How to Become the Perfect Student

In Ten Easy Steps
If you think this is all the information you need to know to become the model student that everyone strives to be, you are right. After you’ve finished reading this, you’ll have what it takes to be the resident genius. The problem with becoming the perfect student is that people see becoming the perfect student as a combination of intelligence, hard work, and a natural learning aptitude -aspects that the average student could never possibly display. However, after reading this article you will plainly see that being the perfect student is not so much having an education as much as it is learning how to do things without working yourself.
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1. You already have the potential in you to be a perfect student. It may not appear to be true right now, but as long as you fool yourself into thinking you’re smart, that’s all that matters. You don’t need to display your smarts, you just have to have a pretty good feeling that, if you had to, you probably could. The fact is, it’s a lot easier to rely on the illusion that you’re intelligent than to rely on your actual intelligence. Deceiving yourself is the key.
2. Very little is said in school that is important. Whether it’s spoken by teachers, fellow classmates, or even yourself, chances are that it’s not worth hearing. So do not be afraid if you are asked a question to which you don’t know the answer, just give any answer and you will be commended for your effort. Blurting out senseless strings of syllables is preferable. As long as your mouth is moving, people will think you know what you’re talking about. Talking excessively is the key.
3. If you intend to learn anything at all, make sure it is actually outside of school. Studies have shown that the school environment, teachers, and not surprisingly cafeteria food all have a negative effect on a student’s ability to concentrate. The real education you receive should come from real life, like sitcoms and reality TV. Television is the key.
4. More than being a good student, you have to look like a good student, physically and socially. This means spending hours at a time working on your looks. How you end up looking doesn’t matter as much as whether or not people can tell you spent a lot of time on it. Similarly, you must spend lots of time doing extracurricular activities so you will have the image of a productive go-getter. If sports aren’t your thing and you prefer to avoid clubs with responsibilities or anything, join SADD or something.Image is the key.
5. Make sure you sit with your friends in class. That way, you’ll be so busy doing the important things like talking making jokes and rating members of the opposite sex that your teacher will assume that you have everything under control and are very prepared for the upcoming test. This works especially well if you all have loud, high pitched voices, so the other students in the class will be too distracted to surpass your perfect student image. Sitting with friends is the key.
6. Carry as many textbooks as you can. Admittedly, they’re not very useful for after-school activities and even less useful for studying. However, if you’re the kind of person who loses your backpack because it’s too light, or if you ever find yourself stranded in Alaska with nothing else that you can burn to keep yourself from dying, these books will come in extremely handy, and you’ll be glad you carried them everywhere. Heavy Books are the key.
7. Despite what you may think, grades are actually an important part to being a good student. However, you are wrong if you think that it’s all about getting assignments turned in on time and doing well on exams. If you try to get good grades in this manner, you will probably find yourself lacking. Do not be alarmed, this does not mean that you are a bad student. What most people don’t know is that you can improve your grades significantly if you learn to ignore them. Let your grades slip, don’t change your lazy habits, and especially don’t discuss them with the teacher. You will find that your grades miraculously improve over the marking period. Whether this is due to some natural law of ignorance, or lack of teacher oversight of their tracking of your grades, nobody is sure. But the fact is, the less work you do, the better off you are. Bad grades are the key.
8. Always remember that you are above everyone else in the class. It is not important whether this is true or not, what’s important is that you carry yourself as such. Interrupt the teacher on a regular basis. Make random suggestions like having a free day, or make loud inhuman noises to incite the class into an uproar. Play a game of cards. Just give the impression that you are above any efforts to learn. This is a very common practice among the model students. Arrogance is the key.
9. Spend as little time in the classroom as possible. Be late to class, linger in the hallways, go out to eat for lunch, skip school, whatever. The less you’re in the class, the better off you’ll be. That way, the teacher will have less of a chance to test how smart you really are, and that’s probably for the best. Not being in school is the key.
10. Do things that demonstrate your intelligence (intelligence not necessary). Turn in projects that are twice as long as assigned, participate in competitions that display your cunning and prowess, write an article in the local newspaper where you expertly spread your acquired knowledge to those less fortunate intellectually than you in a bid to gain some scrap of dignity despite the subconscious suspicion that it’ll only fail and end up backfiring, or some other task along those lines. If you don’t have any skills to display, it may help to wear flashy clothes. If all else fails, make a website flaunting your superiority. Showing off is the key.
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That’s all there is to being the perfect student. Keep all of these rules in mind and you’ll be on your way to living the high life. If anyone knows more about being the perfect student without doing any actual work, it’s me. However, if you think that this is all the information you need to know to become the model student that everyone strives to be, you are wrong.