Letter to the Dean
From: P. Sherman
42 Wallaby Way
Sydney, NSW
To: Gus Lava Lay
FMC College
Westward Ho Rd.
Dear Esteemed Dean Lava Lay,
I hope all is well with you and your thirty seven children, your deceased wife that you told me in your past letters still continues to nag you even though she’s been dead for about twenty-something years; and your new exotic, and very rare puffer-lung bird…is it still biting your fingers?. Since I’ve graduated from your grotesque college for the obese and mentally challenged, I have taken on a career as an underwater welder and I also miserably yet cheerfully volunteer at ‘Televisions for The Blind, Deaf, and Mute of America’ (TBDMA).
My College years were the best (and worst) (but mostly worst) years of my life; with the giant cockroaches crawling from the drains, the swarms of locusts hiding in the cabinets of the Chem. lab, and my creepy roommate that always seemed to wake up in my bed naked.
About that…Did you guys call Orkin yet? ...you should really get on that...Tell them to go to room CHM: 306.
For my future, I plan to move to Sakurajima and become a mountain hermit spending many years praying and not speaking for prolonged periods of time. Of course I will have to shave my luscious green and purple locks and my fleas will have no place to go, so in the envelope I have enclosed a few of them with some of my hair. Please promptly empty the tiny black specs in the envelope onto your head…hurry they’ll starve.
I want to thank you for accepting me into your utterly repulsive, amazing school and I wish you the best
Sincerely,
P. Sherman
42 Wallaby Way
Sydney, NSW
To: Gus Lava Lay
FMC College
Westward Ho Rd.
Dear Esteemed Dean Lava Lay,
I hope all is well with you and your thirty seven children, your deceased wife that you told me in your past letters still continues to nag you even though she’s been dead for about twenty-something years; and your new exotic, and very rare puffer-lung bird…is it still biting your fingers?. Since I’ve graduated from your grotesque college for the obese and mentally challenged, I have taken on a career as an underwater welder and I also miserably yet cheerfully volunteer at ‘Televisions for The Blind, Deaf, and Mute of America’ (TBDMA).
My College years were the best (and worst) (but mostly worst) years of my life; with the giant cockroaches crawling from the drains, the swarms of locusts hiding in the cabinets of the Chem. lab, and my creepy roommate that always seemed to wake up in my bed naked.
About that…Did you guys call Orkin yet? ...you should really get on that...Tell them to go to room CHM: 306.
For my future, I plan to move to Sakurajima and become a mountain hermit spending many years praying and not speaking for prolonged periods of time. Of course I will have to shave my luscious green and purple locks and my fleas will have no place to go, so in the envelope I have enclosed a few of them with some of my hair. Please promptly empty the tiny black specs in the envelope onto your head…hurry they’ll starve.
I want to thank you for accepting me into your utterly repulsive, amazing school and I wish you the best
Sincerely,
P. Sherman