Monologue From 'The Parent Trap'

The Parent Trap
By Erich Kastner (adapted by Vic Crume)

SUSAN: What are you staring at?
SHARON: Excuse me. It’s just that the girls were saying we looked alike.
SUSAN: Yeah? Turn your head. Let me see that profile! I know it! The spit and image of you-know-who!
SHARON: Who?
SUSAN: Frankenstein!
SHARON: You know what I mean! You’ve noticed it too!
SUSAN: I saw you staring at me yesterday when we were at the milk counter. And it isn’t just having blue eyes and honey-blonde hair, either. It’s when we have swim caps on that it really shows. Exactly the same features. Why, I think we’re practically identical!
SHARON: I hope not! You chew your fingernails. And you’re so loud! I can hear you all over the place!
SUSAN: I, for one, regard this as the beginning
of the Famous Camp Inch Mystery.
INTRODUCTION
Two girls meet at camp, soon to find out that they are related. Not only related but twins! The put together a hilarious scheme to stay together in The Parent Trap by Eric Kastner.

SUSAN: This is my dad. Dreamy. Yes?
SHARON: He’s very handsome.
SUSAN: Ever been to California? Well, it’s a sensational place. At least, our ranch is. It’s out in Carmel near the ocean. I’ve got a horse and everything. And we have a pool. You know, you can practically fall out the front door and go swimming any time you like.
SHARON: Susan, Why have you been coming to Camp Inch for four years? I mean- well, with a horse and a ranch and everything, well, what I mean is- going up in the mountains with your dad- well, I just wouldn’t want to come all the way from California to Maine just for Camp Inch, Bit if you had a father like yours! I’m sorry, Susan. It isn’t any of my business. It’s just that- well, if I had a father like that, wild horses couldn’t drag me away!
SUSAN: Why? Is your father the busy type?
SHARON: I don’t have a father. That is- actually, Mother and Daddy separated years ago. I never saw him. Not to remember him, anyhow.
SUSAN: Well, as a matter of fact, I don’t have a mother. I guess that’s why Daddy sends me to Camp Inch. You know, it’s scary the way nobody stays together anymore these days. Pretty soon it’s going to be more divorces than marriages.
SHARON: Isn’t that the truth.
SUSAN: How old are you?
SHARON: Thirteen.
SUSAN: So am I. When will you be fourteen?
SHARON: November twelfth.
SUSAN: You will! That’s my birthday too.
SHARON: That’s funny!
SUSAN: Yeah!
SHARON: Stopped raining. Want to go down and get a Popsicle, or something?
SUSAN: Sharon, you said you were from Boston. That’s not so far from Maine. How come this is your first year at camp?
SHARON: It’s a wonder I even got here this year. Mother thinks I should do one thing, Grandmother thinks something else. And Grandfather- well, he just waits to see what happens next!
SUSAN: What’s your mother like?
SHARON: Oh, Mother’s great! She’s awfully pretty. I guess I might take after my dad. Was your mother pretty.
SUSAN: Fabulous.
Absolutely fabulous. Daddy used to have her picture on this desk, and then.
SHARON: And then what?
SUSAN: Well, he caught me looking at it and it’s never been around since. What to go with me to the commissary for that Popsicle? Well, how about it? What are you staring at?
SHARON: Look! Goosebumps!
SUSAN: What do you mean?
SHARON: Don’t you feel it? Don’t you know what’s happening? Don’t you think it’s peculiar that we both look so much alike and – and have the same, identical birthdays?
SUSAN: Oh, that! Well, it’s just one of those things, I guess.
SHARON: Not when I have Goosebumps! Mother always says I’m psychic. You know- that I can sense things when something strange is going to happen!
SUSAN: Oh, Sharon! Come on!
SHARON: Look. Look at this!
SUSAN: I-I don’t understand. What are you doing with her picture?
SHARON: It’s my mother.
SUSAN: But it’s my mother. It’s the same picture Daddy had on his desk!
SHARON: That’s what I mean, Susan. Don’t you see?
SUSAN: Why don’t’ you go have lunch? It’s too late for Popsicles, anyhow.
SHARON: How can you think of food at a time like
this!
SUSAN: Oh go. For goodness’ sake, Sharon, please go! Sharon- you know, I’ve been wondering. How do you suppose it happened? I mean- Daddy and me living in California, and you and Mother in Boston?
SHARON: My goodness, Susan- I don’t know. In fact, I can’t even imagine!
SUSAN: Well, I can! Gosh, I can imagine it right now! There we were- only a year old. Probably we could hardly sit up alone! Maybe they had a big quarrel. And maybe Mother said, I want this one- you can have the other. And dad said ‘O.K., but just don’t call that one Evers!
SHARON: I’ll never believe that- not in a million years!
SUSAN: Then, what’s your idea?
SHARON: Well, I see it this way. I imagine they had a dreadful quarrel- and they just couldn’t make up afterward. Probably Mother packed us both up to leave the ranch, and then- then she just couldn’t be mean enough to leave Dad without his half. So, she just hated it, but she had to let him pick you. How do you suppose I feel being the one who didn’t get picked?
SUSAN: Oh, Sharon! You nut! We’re both nuts. We don’t know a thing about it.
SHARON: We know one thing. Neither one of them ever married anybody else.
SUSAN: Well, what does that mean?
SHARON: Secretly- in their innermost hearts- they must be still in love.
SUSAN: I don’t get it. I think your poetry book is going to your head. Why would they stay apart all these years if they were in love?
SHARON: All true lovers have a simply dreadful time. History is jammed with them. Look at Rome and Juliet!
SUSAN: Where?
SHARON: Now who’s the nut? They were famous lovers, silly. And they had a terrible time.
SUSAN: Sharon! I’ve got it!
SHARON: What? Got what?
SUSAN: Oh, my gosh! What if- Oh! It’s just so scary. But we might be able to pull it off!
SHARON: Stop jumping. What’s so scary? What could we pull off!
SUSAN: You want to know Father. I’m just dying to know Mother. Well, we could- could switch places.
SHARON: Switch places?
SUSAN: Sure! We’re twins, aren’t we? Oh! I’m getting Goosebumps now!
SHARON: Oh, we could. And there’s more to it then just switching places, Susan!
SUSAN: What?
SHARON: If we switched, sooner or later, they’d have to unswitch us. Don’t you see? They’d have to meet again! Oh, Susan. I believe fate brought us together!
SUSAN: And we’d bring them together. Just having to unmix us, they’d have to meet!
SHARON: We’ll have to plan. Step one and step two- like that!
SUSAN: When do we start?
SHARON: Well, not until after lunch anyhow. Come on. Let’s make the dining hall in time for seconds.
SUSAN: And all the time I thought you were the poetic one! How can you think of food at a time like this?
NEW SCENE
SUSAN: Well, you don’t sound like her. Remember, Sharon, try not to sound too Boston. Daddy and Hecky will just about fall over if you come out with those ‘shawn’ts’ and ‘cawn’ts.’ Besides, if I could give up biting my fingernails to fool Mother, you ought to be able to talk Western for Dad.
SHARON: Gosh! Do you realize that by this time tomorrow you’ll be in Boston?
SUSAN: And you’ll be zooming over the whole U.S.! Now let’s go over this once more. What’s my horse’s name?
SHARON: Schatzie.
SUSAN: Dog?
SHARON: Andromeda.
SUSAN: Right. And remember to thank Verbena for fixing chili beans. She’s sure to have them first thing, because they’re my absolute favorite food.
SHARON: I will. And I’ll bite my nails- but not until just before the plane lands. Poor nails!
SUSAN: And chew gum- often.
SHARON: And you chew gun seldom- if ever. Now, let’s do your part. Where is your bedroom at Mother’s?
SUSAN: Second floor. Second door left. The library and the music room are on the first floor. Which way is the music room?
SHARON: Right, as you come in the front door. You know, that’s the only thing that has me worried. Gran’s apt to ask you to play the piano- and she isn’t going to expect ‘Chopsticks,’ either.
SUSAN: Oh, I can put Band-Aids on a couple of fingers. That’s nothing to worry about. What I’m worrying about is your riding Schatzie.
SHARON: Why? Is he very spirited?
SUSAN: I’m thinking more about the way you ride. Hecky will wonder if something’s wrong with you if you begin hopping up and down in the saddle. He never heard of Eastern style posting. Just sit.
SHARON: Susan, what if we’re both flops?
SUSAN: Oh, for goodness’ sake! Then we’ll just get unmixed that much sooner. Don’t worry. Remember, the big thing is to get Mother and Dad together.
SHARON: We’d better say good-bye right here. We don’t want Staimes to think he’s seeing double. Good-bye, twin! And no shawn’t, cawn’t, awn’t. I promise.
SOURCE INFORMATION
Author: Eric Kasten adated by Vic Crume ISBN: 0590029614 Publisher: Scholastic, Inc.
Date: 1968