Reflective Essay: A Personal Analysis

Yesterday I posted on Facebook that my Evita rehearsals were commencing that evening. I also wrote that it's hard to believe that it has been over two years since I last performed in a full production and what is UP with that?! My friend, Joey, responded with, "For real, woman. The world needs more you." As soon as I read his comment I began to cry. (Remember in the Introduction of this book when I thanked Judy Greer for making me feel better about being a "crier?" Well. . . Now you see what I mean.)

His kind and thoughtful words of appreciation touched me deeply because I have had two years of frustration in regards to my theatrical endeavors. With each audition I have endured, I told myself that it would be my last one, that I think
I've reached a point in my life where I am no longer suitable for any productions, especially musicals. I am too old for most of the juicy leads or supporting roles, but still too young to play the "older matriarch" or character roles. Yet, I also do not find any parts for which I am suitable in any non-musicals either. Part of the reason writing Men of Many Shades and Puck was so satisfying is because it felt powerful to be writing roles for myself.

However, if I am completely honest, I must admit that I have had opportunities and roles offered to me in the past two years that I have declined. And the reason for this comes down to intention. It is never my intention to perform just to hear the applause or have people pay me "empty" compliments on a performance. I will do a show for one reason and one reason only - to improve and grow as an artist with each experience. I can honestly say that I have learned something valuable and have become a stronger actress, dancer, singer, and person with each show I have done. Therefore, I never accept a role or even audition for a production if I don't believe it will help me improve in some way or that doesn't have the potential to touch people in a way that goes beyond just sheer entertainment.

I know several people who come from the school of thought that says you should never audition for a show or claim that you are willing to accept any role if you're not fully committed.
I strongly disagree because I believe that auditions are a two way street. It is not only an opportunity for the director to check me out, but it is also an opportunity for me to check them out. Just as there are many considerations which go into casting a show, there are many factors that may lead me to draw the conclusion that a particular show and/or role I just auditioned for is not a good fit. It's no different than a job interview, as far as I'm concerned. I may apply for a job and decide after the interview that the potential boss, the company, and the position does not suit me after all. Just because I interviewed and was offered a position with a company, does not mean I have to accept their offer. If I do, knowing full well that it's not a good fit, I am making a decision out of desperation and fear. No decision made from a place of fear ever turns out well.

Last summer I was offered roles in two different productions, which I politely turned down. While they were both shows I really thought I wanted to do, I did not get cast as the characters I wanted and the roles offered to me were not ones I felt any strong connection to. Rather than spend my valuable time playing characters that did not move me, I preferred leaving my schedule open so that Bob and I could travel to
Vancouver. That little vacation was a fun and wonderful experience, which I would not have given up for anything. When my intentions are clear, decisions become easy.

Last night's rehearsal was proof that I have chosen well. I love this play and can already feel the deep passion and professionalism from everyone associated with the production. It is something I know will make me proud.