Sangwoo Dialectical Journal

It has been a week. A week since it happened. A week since I was taken from Sangwoo. A week since I defied him. A week.

Everyone keeps telling me all these things. How strong I am. How Sangwoo was a horrible person and it isn’t my fault. How they believe in me to get better and how they believe in me to eventually have a life. But they don’t know. I’m an awful person. I tell them that I killed someone and how I stalked sangwoo and how I walked into it and how I was kind and loving to sangwoo, I even did sexual things with him and all these things that show I am truly awful. But they just smile softly at me and tell me that’s it ok, that I’m safe, that I’ll get better, that I’ll get better. I don’t know if I’ll get better.

“How do you feel about yourself, how would you describe yourself” The question permeates me. How would i describe myself. Probably just as a torn crumpled piece of paper. But I never say that aloud, I just shrug. In general I don’t talk much. I’m afraid that one day they will get mad at me. What will happen then. I try not to think about it.
0.

They get me a button down shirt and some nice pants. It's a change from the sweatpants and sweatshirts I usually wear. The pants are kind of uncomfortable. We drive to the courthouse and I remember all my time with Sangwoo. The good, the bad. Everyone tells me that he was horrible but they didn’t know the kind Sangwoo. They didn’t know Sangwoo bandaging up their wounds and hugging them.

Lots of people. Lots of people crowding around us a man shoves a opening for us as we walk through. I block out all the yelling. All I can think about is the fact that I’m going to see Sangwoo soon. We walk into the court and sit down at our places and I look around looking for him. The grin. His eyes meet mine and he gives me the smile. The smile of the sangwoo that I loved. That I could’ve had a life with. All I want is that Sangwoo. But now I know. I know that there is more to the Sangwoo that I care