Why Don T We Listen Better Summary
Summary Petersen’s book entitled, Why don’t we listen better? Communicating and Connecting in Relationships, gives its readers details about sufficient listening and improving their communication skills. It examines self-revelation by gathering contrasting communication methods that help form strong relationships. Petersen suggests that majority of individuals seem to think we are good listeners; however, in the majority of cases we are not. Within the writings of this book, we have distinguished that even the most declared individuals find that their listening skills are probably not the best. When we fail to really pay attention to someone that is talking to us, it can heavily affect the relationship and how we feel towards one another.
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Petersen describes five components to talking and listening that can be effective in helping to develop an excellent way of communicating and understanding one another. The first component is the Flat-Brain theory of emotions, which explains how individuals think and what is happening in one’s mind that contributes to actions in regards to communicating with others (Petersen, 2007). Within the Flat-Brain theory Petersen breaks down communication into three additional components: the first being our “stomach functions” which are our feelings and emotions, followed by our heart functions which is where the “heart recognizes that we do not possess the whole truth, but that we are confident both in owning our own views and staying open to the views of others” (Petersen, 2007, pg. 12), and lastly our head functions which includes meditating, preparation, recalling, analyzing and arranging our logical ideas (Petersen, 2007). The second phase of talking and listening is the talker-listener process in which creative cards are used to aid in communication that help to develop one into a better listener such as taking turns listening and talking. For instance, if one engages in conversation with another who consistently dominates the conversation, an option is to purposely stop talking and listen instead (Petersen, 2007, pg. 58). The third part is the listening technique that illustrates effective methods for listening that helps one to determine a listening method that works best for them as an individual. The fourth component is the listening game, which provides instructions to develop skills to become an exceptional listener (Petersen, 2007, pg. 83). Finally, the fifth component consists of the concluding philosophy that includes empathy, genuineness, and warmth (Petersen, 2007).
Respond
While reading the work, Why We Don’t Listen Better? Communicating & Connecting in Relationship, I was reminded of the many debatable conversations I have had with my older sister. Often, in the midst of heated conversation, she makes it her sole objective to have the last word, regardless of whether she is right or wrong. Examples that Petersen describes in his book challenged me to evaluate how bad my sister and I communicate with one another. Sometimes, it is difficult to simply sit and listen. Petersen suggests that the first goal for a listener should be to provide safety, “if we can listen without defending ourselves, it will provide the safety necessary for the talker to flourish” (Petersen, 2007, pg. 93). I remember a recent disagreement that my sister and I had in which we became what Peterson refers to as “flat brained”, we both went back and forth refusing to give the other a chance to finish speaking; our disagreement become so intensified that I ended the phone call without allowing her the opportunity to finish her thought. After we both had a chance to recollect ourselves, we were then able to talk and listen to each other. Looking back I realize that our disagreement was immensely petty and if we both would have applied what Petersen describes as the talker-listener process where both persons take turns in listening and talking (Petersen, 2007, pg.51), our argument could have possible been avoided.
Reflect
In my reading, I found that I was able to relate many of my personal experiences with content presented in the book.
I found the concept of the talker-listener card (TLC), which gives examples on how to have more productive conversations when talking to someone who needs to express themselves (Petersen, 2007), to be very insightful. Through reading this book, I gained increased awareness as to why I have occasionally engaged in awful communication, not only with my sister but also with my husband. Petersen lays out how emotions and feelings can conclude how we relate to our environment (Petersen, 2007). When it comes to my communication with my husband, especially after we have had an argument, I constantly inquire about his feelings until he tells me. Seldom do I give him the opportunity to calm down and express himself when he is ready, which causes additional complications in our communication. In using the Talker-Listener Card, there is an establishment of a focal point and assists in developing a better self-assessment. The TLC aids us in focusing on areas we need to work on so we can become more like Christ and acknowledge other people by letting them share their profound burdens with us. Galatians 6:2 says “Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ”
(KJV).
Act
After reading Petersen’s book I realized that when I am involved in an escalated, emotional conversation, I often defend myself. Rather, Petersen suggests the complete opposite of this (Petersen, 2007, pg.107); when we refrain from defending ourselves and remove it from our conversational repertoire, we open up safe surroundings in which the talker can share more with us and there exists a mutual growth. I have become devoted to begin listening without defending myself. Defending consistently in conversation is equal to attacking. Therefore by ceasing to defend myself I can avoid what Petersen refers to as “deviant behavior” and I will begin to listen to the person who is flat-brained and afflictive towards me (Petersen, 2007, pg. 108). During my reading of this book I also learned many techniques that I can apply to become a better listener, such as listening without be arguable, differing, suggestive, or defensive (Petersen, 2007). Through the usage of these techniques, I will build relationship that lends greater opportunity for personal improvement and flourishing (Petersen, 2007). Proverbs 20:12 states, “The hearing ear, and the seeing eye, the LORD hath made even both of them” (KJV).
Petersen describes five components to talking and listening that can be effective in helping to develop an excellent way of communicating and understanding one another. The first component is the Flat-Brain theory of emotions, which explains how individuals think and what is happening in one’s mind that contributes to actions in regards to communicating with others (Petersen, 2007). Within the Flat-Brain theory Petersen breaks down communication into three additional components: the first being our “stomach functions” which are our feelings and emotions, followed by our heart functions which is where the “heart recognizes that we do not possess the whole truth, but that we are confident both in owning our own views and staying open to the views of others” (Petersen, 2007, pg. 12), and lastly our head functions which includes meditating, preparation, recalling, analyzing and arranging our logical ideas (Petersen, 2007). The second phase of talking and listening is the talker-listener process in which creative cards are used to aid in communication that help to develop one into a better listener such as taking turns listening and talking. For instance, if one engages in conversation with another who consistently dominates the conversation, an option is to purposely stop talking and listen instead (Petersen, 2007, pg. 58). The third part is the listening technique that illustrates effective methods for listening that helps one to determine a listening method that works best for them as an individual. The fourth component is the listening game, which provides instructions to develop skills to become an exceptional listener (Petersen, 2007, pg. 83). Finally, the fifth component consists of the concluding philosophy that includes empathy, genuineness, and warmth (Petersen, 2007).
Respond
While reading the work, Why We Don’t Listen Better? Communicating & Connecting in Relationship, I was reminded of the many debatable conversations I have had with my older sister. Often, in the midst of heated conversation, she makes it her sole objective to have the last word, regardless of whether she is right or wrong. Examples that Petersen describes in his book challenged me to evaluate how bad my sister and I communicate with one another. Sometimes, it is difficult to simply sit and listen. Petersen suggests that the first goal for a listener should be to provide safety, “if we can listen without defending ourselves, it will provide the safety necessary for the talker to flourish” (Petersen, 2007, pg. 93). I remember a recent disagreement that my sister and I had in which we became what Peterson refers to as “flat brained”, we both went back and forth refusing to give the other a chance to finish speaking; our disagreement become so intensified that I ended the phone call without allowing her the opportunity to finish her thought. After we both had a chance to recollect ourselves, we were then able to talk and listen to each other. Looking back I realize that our disagreement was immensely petty and if we both would have applied what Petersen describes as the talker-listener process where both persons take turns in listening and talking (Petersen, 2007, pg.51), our argument could have possible been avoided.
Reflect
In my reading, I found that I was able to relate many of my personal experiences with content presented in the book.
I found the concept of the talker-listener card (TLC), which gives examples on how to have more productive conversations when talking to someone who needs to express themselves (Petersen, 2007), to be very insightful. Through reading this book, I gained increased awareness as to why I have occasionally engaged in awful communication, not only with my sister but also with my husband. Petersen lays out how emotions and feelings can conclude how we relate to our environment (Petersen, 2007). When it comes to my communication with my husband, especially after we have had an argument, I constantly inquire about his feelings until he tells me. Seldom do I give him the opportunity to calm down and express himself when he is ready, which causes additional complications in our communication. In using the Talker-Listener Card, there is an establishment of a focal point and assists in developing a better self-assessment. The TLC aids us in focusing on areas we need to work on so we can become more like Christ and acknowledge other people by letting them share their profound burdens with us. Galatians 6:2 says “Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ”
(KJV).
Act
After reading Petersen’s book I realized that when I am involved in an escalated, emotional conversation, I often defend myself. Rather, Petersen suggests the complete opposite of this (Petersen, 2007, pg.107); when we refrain from defending ourselves and remove it from our conversational repertoire, we open up safe surroundings in which the talker can share more with us and there exists a mutual growth. I have become devoted to begin listening without defending myself. Defending consistently in conversation is equal to attacking. Therefore by ceasing to defend myself I can avoid what Petersen refers to as “deviant behavior” and I will begin to listen to the person who is flat-brained and afflictive towards me (Petersen, 2007, pg. 108). During my reading of this book I also learned many techniques that I can apply to become a better listener, such as listening without be arguable, differing, suggestive, or defensive (Petersen, 2007). Through the usage of these techniques, I will build relationship that lends greater opportunity for personal improvement and flourishing (Petersen, 2007). Proverbs 20:12 states, “The hearing ear, and the seeing eye, the LORD hath made even both of them” (KJV).