Personal Narrative: Living With Panic Disorder

Living with Panic Disorder

“Just calm down!” My friends tell me as I lose control of my body. My face soaked from the tears leaving my eyes. The pain in my chest that comes from suffocating. It feels as if I’m drowning in isolation. No one understands, but they hopelessly repeat the usual generic phrases “you’ll be okay.’’ As if I have any sense of reasoning. Death seems to be the only thing on your mind. Repetitive pangs of guilt, emptiness, and solidarity. This feeling could only be one thing. This is what its like to have a panic attack.
No, its not just stressing over one little thing, but rather brought on by anything and nothing at all. An anxiety attack is usually caused by a persistent worry or fear that brings anxiousness leading
to a breakdown. Panic attacks however can be triggered by anything. The worst part is its inconsistent so there’s no way to know exactly what triggers it. Imagine it as a boomerang, you throw it and you think you’re in the clear, but it comes right back when you least expect it. If you know me, you know I’m light hearted and typically in a good mood. Well I still am, but every once in a while that all goes to hell and I become a helpless victim to the uncontrollable beast taking over me. It all started about 4 years ago in seventh grade. My class had been struggling with grades and behavior so we were told we were going to have a lecture at the end of the day. I was nervous but nothing felt different. I went throughout the day perfectly fine and as expected my class and I were sent to the library for an assembly. We all took our seats and in the front of the class stood our principle. Before she started to speak I began losing feeling in my legs and fingertips. It was a new feeling and it was escalating to sweating and a slight panic. Then my vision became blurry and vignette like. It all went downhill and I went into a full panic. I tried to yell but my shortness of breath brought it to a mere whisper and an occasional gasp. It was hard to breathe but even harder to think properly.my once lose fitting uniform became a boa constrictor swallowing me whole. I became a puppet to my nerves. If my mind told me to twitch my leg, I would be greeted with a new leg that was no longer my choice to control. I tried to focus on one thing but my mind became clustered with every horrible image. My friends all became concerned and signaled the principle to come over. I began thinking horrible things and started sobbing. This has to be the worst part in my opinion. Have you ever cried so much that you’re almost positive you have no tears left to give? I was in front of the entire class on the floor at this point. No one knew what to do. I never showed any signs of anxiety or extreme nervousness. 40 minutes. That’s how long it lasted. What felt like a never ending eternity for me was just 40 minutes. I could hear the whispers coming from my classmates who were still taken aside by my change of manner. I was asked various questions about my home life and examined by the nurse. We were all looking for an answer. There seemed to be no trigger so we let it go and just went home. Just like that, I went back to being my careless, stress free self.
About four months later I found myself going through the same thing in my bathroom. I yelled for my mom and she came only to find me on the floor. I was suffocating. We immediately jumped into the car and I was rushed to the nearest hospital. I was given immediate attention. I remember the doctor starting an IV and saying I would feel better shortly. After laborious tests and exams and interrogations the results came back. I had pneumonia. That explained the burning in my lungs but not the traumatic episode that occurred before the suffocating. They told me I had anxiety disorder and panic disorder. They’re usually affiliated with each other because the actual anxiety/fear of having an attack can lead to one. Biologically its still under investigation what part of the brain triggers the panic. The panic attack had made it harder to breathe but being that my lungs were already weak, it was incredibly difficult for my lungs to receive oxygen. The doctor went over multiple breathing exercises and techniques such as holding your breath for 4 seconds and breathing out for 6. I went home that same day with medication for the pneumonia and my exercises for the panic disorder.
Over the span of a year the attacks became more common and seemed to occur every three weeks.
One night I was showering and I got another attack. I just sat there in panic. I tried desperately time after time to convince myself that it would pass. The thoughts invading my mind were not me but the devil on my shoulder who now stood a full 6 feet tall directly in front of me. The battle between me and my temporary demons lasted close to an hour. It got progressively worse. At the time I still hadn’t told many people about my attacks, but as they started getting longer and more common I told my friends. The fact that I was going through this so often started affecting my mood and behavior. I started eating different, distancing my self, and I became so afraid of having another attack I would start causing them. Even in my sleep my nightmares became an out of body experience of me looking down on myself. I started to shut people off and lost a couple friends in the process. Luckily my best friend to this day stuck by my side. She has had a very stressful life so as a result she also has anxiety attacks. She taught me the warning signs and walked me through what to do. The waning signs are small but with experience they become alarming. Usually your chest begins to tighten and m leg starts to lose feeling. This is where it is crucial I focus on my breathing and keep my mind at a blank canvas. Any thought could be turned into a persistent negative message. Typically, I would get the usual sayings you tell someone when they freak out but my best friend would just bear hug me which seemed to calm me down. With further research I found out that when in a panic attack pressure against the spine helps calm the
nerves.
Today I have learned how to better control my attacks thanks to her. Now I know the warning signs and don’t let myself get to the point of chaos. There’s no way to defeat this monster, but I’ve learned how to stop feeding it and fend myself for the time being. I know there are many others like this and I’m grateful to have a friend who understands right by my side. I understand that even the happiest people could be struggling with something and the saddest people don’t necessarily “do it to themselves.” Without the bad you wouldn’t appreciate the good so in a way I’m more grateful for my happiness.