Mary Ainsworth's Attachment Styles

Attachment styles have been studied for many centuries. The quest to understand how we develop these attachments and what affects them has led to many studies throughout history. Mary Ainsworth's studies and research are the most well-known when it comes to attachment styles. From her research and studies we have developed three main attachment styles. These styles are secure attachment style, avoidant attachment style, and anxious/ambivalent attachment style. Each person will fall somewhere within these three categories. In this essay I will discuss the attachment style in which I fall under and its effects of my life. Out of the three attachment styles I would have to say I have a tendency to lean towards the avoidant attachment style. I
have always found it hard to trust others and have never been comfortable depending on others. I do have troubles getting close to other people. I am very independent both emotionally and physically and have been told multiple times that I need to open up and be more intimate.
With my past relationships I can say that my style affected them greatly. I found myself in a lot of rocky unstable relationships. Each one had their own highs and lows but they all seemed to stem from the same thing, my unwillingness to open up and accept someone into my life. I never wanted to get to close to someone in fear that they would just turn around and leave therefore I believe I subconsciously pushed people away.
As for my current relationship I am learning to overcome my avoidant tendencies. While I longed to be close with someone I found myself pushing them away when they got to close and things got more serious. I have been with my husband for nearly four years now. In the beginning our relationship was much the same as the previous ones I have had. After many highs and lows and a little coaching with a therapist I learned the skills needed in order to change my attachment style. The first 18 months of our relationship we were nearly 8,000 miles apart. We met in Germany and he left 4 months after we met to come back to the United States. I was in Germany for 18 months more. Through the long-distance relationship I began to work on my attachment style and have worked my way into a secure attachment style with my husband.
This avoidant style has also affect my nonromantic relationships.
I do not form bonds with others very well. I have only one close friend. We have been friends since kindergarten. Apart from her I find it relatively difficult to be close to other people. I do not let people get very close to me and still push people away. I find it hard to convince myself that I can depend on someone and therefore I never put much trust in the relationship. My husband tells me I am good at making acquaintances but have no friends, in which I have to agree he is very correct. This ultimately leaves me a little lonely. While I have him and two, almost three wonderful children, I lack the intimacy and bond with other adults my age. This leads to some sense of aloneness and I have no one to depend on when I really need it.
I do think that my attachment style is very similar as it was with my parents. I never developed a strong emotional bond growing up. While I knew my parents loved each other they did not really express it, at least not in front of us. I can say looking back I maybe saw my parents kiss one or two times. While all my needs were met and I was well provided for I did still avoid getting close even to them. I did not share my feelings with them and when asked I tended to push them away and just avoid the
topic.
While my attachment style has remained mostly the same I can say that my relationship with them improved greatly when I moved out and became a mother myself. My father began to open up and my relationship with my mother has greatly improved. I find it much easier to talk to her about problems I may have now versus when I was younger. I think the changes are due to the fact that I have put a lot of work and effort into changing my attachment style with my husband and it is beginning to apply to everyone else as well. Also I can say that maturity has a lot to do with the changes. I have expressed my feelings about my childhood and relationship with my parents with them and I have learned to let go of some of the animosity and things in order to move forward. I began to see things from their point of view which has made me gain a better understanding of things and led to a more productive reciprocal relationship.
Many things can change your attachment style.
One thing might be that one suffered a long bout of rocky, unstable, or abusive relationships therefore they changed from a secure to an avoidant style. Also major negative life events can change the attachment style negatively such as a suicide of a parent. Just as with negative changes, an attachment style can be improved also. Things that could change an avoidant style to a secure style could consist of having a partner with a secure attachment style and a healthy marriage. One can work on building a better attachment style through therapy and doing things such as identifying, honoring, and assertively expressing their emotional needs. Another big thing is to practice accepting yourself as a person. I am a strong believer in the saying that in order to love and respect someone else you must first love and respect
yourself.
Studies and research on attachment styles will likely continue far into the future. The three main categories are expanding more as research is conducted. My attachment style has mostly stayed the same. When it comes to close members of my family and my husband I have begun to change my attachment style from avoidant to secure. While I still currently hold a more avoidant style to my nonromantic relationships I am working towards changing that. It is important to know that whether in the secure, avoidant, or anxious/ambivalent attachment style one can change through life experiences, relationships, and working on yourself, either positively or negatively.
References
Argosy University Online. (2014, January 1). Unit 4: Module 4 (Jan 01 - Jan 07). Retrieved January 7, 2015, from http://myeclassonline.com/re/DotNextLaunch.asp?courseid=10788722&userid=22842622&sessionid=6e021b2f01&tabid=2QwK1cA/JbTB0t9uoAeD6M4gRBtgyixHnvRMvEzSIII2IPxJFmu/m3kalFN0 rfH&sessionFirstAuthStore=true&macid=rLG YrfzUI23VmS4wqbeNm1IO0RIMrtlSVtRL87a3liiX pE8
Kenrick, D. T., Neuberg, S. L., & Cialdini, R. B. (2006). Social Psychology: Goals in Interaction, 4th Edition. [VitalSource Bookshelf version]. Retrieved January 7, 2015, from http://digitalbookshelf.argosy.edu/books/0558220088/id/ch08lev3sec2